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6 Automotive Problems Elon Musk Should Solve

Flamethrowers! The electric 18-wheeler! The Tesla Pickup! The automotive industry’s favorite wunderkind is filled with wonderful ideas, innovative solutions and all kinds of promises. While I respect his big thinking and am grateful for his contribution to the industry, I’ve got a few requests for the Marvelous Mr. Musk. Here are a few automotive issues that urgently require his attention.

Tesla factory  

1. Is Hot Coffee so Much to Ask?

Cars can fry your rear and cool your buns, but my extra shot, non-fat Macchiato gets no help at all. How’s about you pass on some of your technology to the cupholders? I don’t care if you need to solar power them or light them with flame throwers, just keep my caffeine toasty and I’ll be a better driver, I swear.

2. Where’s My Purse At?

Boring holes through Los Angeles is great and all, but where am I supposed to put my purse in a Model 3? I find it interesting that you’ve got hundreds of engineers, but not a one has yet to design a place where a girl can store her purse in a Tesla. It may not be the sexiest project, but it will certainly win you some points with the fairer sex, which must appeal to you. You are a ladies man, after all.

  elon musk tocket

3. Brake Dust Is so Last Century

You know what’s cooler than flamethrowers? Clean wheels. Nothing is more satisfying that watching the whirl of metal around rubber as my car passes by. So why all the brake dust? I know you can find a solution for that one, Mr. Smartypants. I would really appreciate it. My wheels thank you in advance. 

4.  A/C on My Face + Heat on My Feet = Heaven

Long ago, Elon, before you started making cars, there was a company called Saab. Maybe you’ve heard of them. They had this brilliant idea to put cool air on the face and warm air on the feet. It was the greatest. Now that Saab is dead, you could steal this idea and call it your own. It’ll be our secret.

5. Autopilot? Meh. Auto-Ejectors? Hell Yeah!

tesla autopilot

Listen, I know you’re catching a lot of flak about those pesky Autopilot accidents...blah, blah, blah. Instead of focusing on that, I say go bigger! I don’t need a car to drive for me. I’m good like that. What I need is one or two of my vehicles' most annoying occupants removed at my command, so if you could go ahead and make an ejectable seat, that’d be rad. If you can get a get a rocket into space, surely you can get my mother-in-law out of my hair.

6. The Tesla Diet Program

I plant my tush in that driver’s seat every day, and let’s not kid ourselves, some days are better than others. So with all of your fancy-schmancy data analytics, I’d like to believe that when I sit down you can tell me how much I weigh, my lean body mass and my blood sugar. Note: I do not want nor do I expect any lip about drinking less alcohol, eating right or exercise—that’s not your job. Just the facts, Jack. Great.

  tesla australia

There you have it, Elon. I understand that you’re a busy man with several companies to run, but if you have time to create an electrical grid in Australia, surely you’ve got time for me. Cheers!

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